A Marriage Made in Heaven?

When Salawa Hussein got engaged to an Iraqi expat living in Canada, it seemed the perfect match.



The year was 1999, and this slim, fair-haired woman with large honey-coloured eyes had just graduated from college and was eager to escape the poverty and hardship of life under economic sanctions. "I was very excited and glad to get out of sadness and misery for good," said Hussein.



She waited three years for a visa and when it finally came in 2002, followed her husband to a new life in Canada. Just six months later, however, she found out he was having an affair with a Canadian woman. Far away from home, she had no idea what to do or whom to turn to. She begged him to stop seeing the woman but he refused, saying she had helped him in the past.



Thousands of Iraqi men left the country during the Iraq-Iran war of the Eighties, and - now in their forties and fifties - are returning home looking for younger brides to give them children.



For some Iraqi parents, such marriages seem the perfect way to give their daughters the chance of a better life outside Iraq.



But experts warn of problems. They point out that such marriages are often arranged quickly, sometimes in less than a month, meaning the couple hardly know each other before they pack up and head off to a different world.



Most of the women have never travelled abroad before, whereas their husbands have often adopted a western lifestyle during their years away from home.



Women who grew up in the conservative atmosphere of a war-torn society under economic sanctions find it difficult to adapt. They miss their families and friends and feel isolated because they don’t speak the local language.



"It is common belief here that a groom from abroad has a magic lamp and will give the bride a prosperous future, because he has money. But people forget this is not the only requirement for a successful marriage," said Qusay Rashid, a lawyer from Baghdad.



Like Hussein, 23-year-old fine arts graduate Sana Subhi from Baghdad deeply regrets her decision to marry an Iraqi living in Norway. They married within 21 days of meeting in 2000, and she joined him in 2003. Though her friends advised her to think carefully about her decision, Subhi’s family were impressed by offers from her fiance of a car, gold and other gifts.



In Norway, she soon had second thoughts. "He deceived me and didn't tell me anything about his private life," said Subhi. "No other man could have offered even a quarter of what my husband gave me in gold and money. But the misery I feel cannot be compensated by money."



Though Subhi has stayed with her husband and now has two daughters, some women feel they have no choice but to seek a divorce when the harsh reality sinks in.



Suha al-Obeidi, a social researcher at the Rusafa court in Baghdad whose job is to try to reconcile couples who want to separate, says expat divorces usually happens within one to five years of marriage – after the initial thrills of travel, money and life outside Iraq wear off.



"Another common reason for separation is that the expatriate husband often had relationships before he got an Iraqi wife, and keeps these going after getting married," said Obeidi.



Unlike normal divorcees, those who’ve married expats and then decide to come home get a lot of sympathy. Their families usually blame the expatriate husband and the hard life abroad for the failed marriage.



The money that some bring home makes it easier for them to remarry.



Of course, not all these marriages end in disaster.



Tariq Asim, 39, says he’s still happily together with his wife, for whom he gave a "bride price" of 25 million Iraqi dinars (about 17, 000 US dollars) and half a kilogram of gold.The couple live in Sweden, where Asim has been for more than 20 years.



"She is my wife and partner, not an enemy. I always treat her well, and I feel happy and comfortable," said Asim. He has had many girlfriends in the past, but only an Iraqi would do when it came to marriage. "Swedish women look down on foreigners, particularly those from the east, as second-class citizens."



Back in Canada, Hussein is still miserable. She left her husband twice, taking her now three-year-old daughter, but he always found her and persuaded her to come back. She has now decided to stay but has constant regrets.



"If I could turn back the clock, I would think a thousand times before getting into such a marriage again," she said.



Sahira Rashid Jabir is an IWPR trainee in Baghdad.